Your First Orthodox Shabbat Dinner: A Guide

Kosher? Kiddush? Hamotzi?

I've now been to my fair share of Orthodox Shabbat dinners. Here are some firs-timer tips for people who have never experienced this beautiful Jewish holiday.

First of all, if you've been invited to a Shabbat dinner, it's amazing. You're going to have a good time. You're going to meet someone new. You're going to learn new traditions. There are so few people in the entire world who ever get to go to a traditional Shabbat dinner, and you've been lucky enough to be invited to one. I hope you're looking forward to a really interesting and fun night. 

What is a Shabbat and a Shabbat Dinner? 

A Shabbat dinner is a meal where Jews celebrate the day of rest. Jews believe that God created the universe and the world and everything in it in six days, and rested on the seventh. And so every week on Shabbat, from Friday night until Saturday night, we observe and remember the Sabbath day. 

The Shabbat dinner is the Friday evening meal, the first meal of the Shabbat celebration. It starts Friday evening and is typically held at a person’s home.

What should you ask your Shabbat host?

You’ve been invited to a Shabbat dinner by a Rabbi, friend, colleague or neighbor. Now what? Here are some questions you should ask by phone, text or email, preferably a few days before Friday night. 

• What is your address?

• What time should I be there?

• What can I bring?

• Are we going to prayer services before dinner? At some meals, you will walk together to the synagogue before dinner. 

• (If it’s unclear) Are you inviting me for a Shabbat dinner or for the entire Shabbat, from Friday until Saturday? 

• Let them know if you have any eating restrictions.

• Anything else you want to know. 

Consider writing down the full name and address of your hosts and bringing it with you, just in case you get lost.

What should I bring to an Orthodox Shabbat dinner?

You don’t need to bring anything, but here are some considerations if you choose to. The major complication with bringing things to a Shabbat dinner is that an Orthodox family will only consume food and drinks that are allowed according to Jewish law. That typically means they are Kosher certified. Even if you bring something they can’t eat, it’s the thought that counts. 

• Kosher Wine: Ask for a kosher wine from your local wine store. The most common brand is Bartenura but there are many others. 

• Soda or Candy: A bottle of soda or a pack of dairy-free candy from a major brand is usually a safe choice. 

• Fruit: Uncut, uncooked fruit, like grapes or mangoes, are a good choice.

• Flowers: They can be placed on the table to enhance the atmosphere.

• What not to bring: Avoid anything homemade, like salads, desserts or bread. They likely won’t eat food prepared in a non-kosher kitchen. 

Dress and Behavior

Don’t be too stressed about what to wear. People wear a wide variety of clothing to Shabbat meals. Generally, I would recommend conservative business casual.

Like in most situations, follow the lead of your hosts. Ask them as many questions as you want and they will be happy to explain. 

A few customs to keep in mind: 

• Greeting: When you arrive, your hosts will greet you at the door. You can say a traditional greeting, “Shabbat Shalom.” 

• Physical Contact: Some Orthodox Jews avoid touching unrelated people of the opposite gender. If you're a male, you can shake the husband’s hand but not the wife’s hand. Likewise, if you're a woman, you can shake the wife’s hand or give her a hug but you might not want to shake the husband’s hand, unless they offer first.

• Lights: Shabbat-observant families set up lights and temperate control before Shabbat begins so don’t turn off any lights, such as in the bathroom. 

• Technology: Orthodox Jews refrain from using technology during Shabbat. I would not use your phone publicly. Ideally turn your phone off before Shabbat, or before arriving, and keep it out of sight until you leave. If necessary, check your phone in the bathroom.

Timeline of the Meal

The night will start off with chit-chatting as the hosts make final preparations. Feel free to offer to help in the kitchen or with setting the table. Eventually people are going to start migrating to the dinner table. At this point, ask the hosts where to sit. 

Here is the order for a typical meal: 

• Kabbalat Shabbat (Welcoming Shabbat): The evening begins with the singing of Shalom Aleichem, which welcomes in the holiday. That is followed by Aishes Chayil, a song celebrating the wife.

• Blessing the Children: Parents often bless their children individually at this time, praying for their well-being and growth.

• Kiddush: The host sanctifies the Shabbat over a cup of wine or grape juice. Simply follow the host’s lead. If they are sitting, sit, and if they are standing, stand. They are then going to give you some of the wine they just blessed. 

• Ritual Hand Washing: Everyone will then do a ritual hand washing. People go into the kitchen or the bathroom and use a washing cup to pour water over each hand. It's totally appropriate to ask for help. After washing, you're not supposed to talk in many households until a blessing is said over the bread. So stand up, wash your hands and then quietly return to your seat.

• Hamotzi over Challah (Blessing the Bread): A blessing is recited over two challah loaves, which is a type of Jewish bread. After you eat a piece of the Challah, you can talk again. Now you can pour yourself a glass of wine, eat some more Challah and enjoy the night. 

• The Meal Itself: There's likely going to a fish course, then perhaps a soup course, then the main meat course and then dessert. The table is likely going to be covered with lots of dips, like hummus, baba ganoush and other similar things. 

Saying Goodbye

If you need to leave, feel free to excuse yourself. But if you stay, eventually the hosts are going to say, "Let's bench." 

Benching, or Birkat Hamazon, refers to the prayers you say after the meal is finished. The hosts will hand out prayer booklets. If you can, say the prayers quietly to yourself in English or Hebrew. And if you can't, just meditate on thanking God for the meal. When they finish the benching, typically it's time to go home. 

I really hope you have a good time. I know this all sounds complicated, but just ask your host if you have any questions. You're going to have a lot of fun. The food's going to be amazing. It's going to be a great experience as you follow an important Jewish tradition.

Let me know how it goes.

This essay is adapted from the voice memos I send to friends and family: